Rewriting Your Inner Narrative: From Unworthy to Chosen

I was a single mom at 19 years old, and although I knew that my journey would require “much” from me, I was so grateful to God for giving me a chance to live a sober life and model the best version of myself for my daughter. I spent the first six months of her life at home, caring for my sweet baby girl, and mapping out a “success” plan for my life. Given that I was the provider for my family, I knew I had to be strategic about positioning myself for meaningful income potential. I decided to enroll in college to obtain a degree, even though I had NO intention of attending college when I graduated from high school. I enrolled at Robert Morris College, a private Business College, for an Associate’s Degree in Business Administration. It was a very rigorous curriculum and schedule, but I was determined to make it! I had no car at this time and lived on the far south side of Chicago. Initially, I found a home daycare a block away from my house, so I would walk to take my daughter to daycare and then take public transportation to Downtown Chicago to go to school and work.  After some time, I had to find a new babysitter, which meant I would have to take public transportation (with my purse, diaper bag, school backpack, a stroller, and my daughter strapped to my chest) to drop my daughter off at daycare and get back on the bus to go to school and work Downtown. And did I say that I lived in Chicago??? Winters were brutal, but apparently, doable! I completed my Associate’s Degree and decided to obtain my Bachelor's Degree as well. I didn’t give a second thought to the grueling demands of being a single mom who worked and went to school full-time; I just did it!

Being sober meant that I was now feeling all kinds of emotions that I had avoided feeling by getting high. Feelings like, am I a good mom? Am I smart enough to complete college? Am I worthy of love? Do I even love myself? All I knew was that I felt unworthy of being seen, lacked confidence, was uncomfortable in social circles, and was laser-focused on producing things that society said were good and successful. A spirit of perfectionism had begun to grow inside of me. I guess I believed that if I accomplished great things, I could garner positive attention, and no one would ever know that I didn’t believe in myself or feel I was worthy of acceptance and unconditional love. I told myself that I could never let anyone learn the truth about me. The truth that I wasn’t as smart as people thought I was. That I wasn’t worthy of love and that I wasn't even sure of who I was on the inside. Somehow, I managed to create this facade that people saw and loved. A facade that said to the world that I was confident, self-assured, and loved myself unconditionally. Little did they know that I was afraid of being discovered as a fraud and of being deemed unlovable.  

After graduating with my Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration, instead of feeling accomplished and proud, I felt empty. I landed a job at a Human Resources outsourcing company, as a Benefits Representative, in the far northern suburbs of Chicago, which meant a 1.5-hour commute each way to work. Although I enjoyed the work, it resulted in 14+ hour days for me as a single mom. Between the exhaustion and the nagging emotional heaviness, I decided to seek therapy as a way to get help facilitating my emotions and figuring out what was really going on inside of me. Additionally, I knew that I needed to make God more a part of my life for spiritual healing. I joined a church, participated in ministries, and focused on therapy. After seeking God and doing my emotional work, I discovered that I had deeply repressed father wounds. When my dad left our family home when I was a teenager, I’d convinced myself that I didn’t care and that I would have more freedom with him out of the house. The truth was that we hadn’t had an intimate relationship that I could remember, even as a young child. In my mid-20s, with the help of therapy, I mustered the courage to tell my dad how I really felt about him leaving us. He was in town visiting (as he had moved away) and staying at our family home. I was so nervous about talking to him that I went to my mom in tears to tell her what I wanted to do. She asked if I wanted her to accompany me to talk to my dad, and of course, I said yes. We entered the den where my dad was sleeping, and my mom told him that I needed to talk to him. He sat up on the couch, wiping his face. I slowly began speaking, but wasn’t quite sure of the words that would come out. I said with a low voice that I was in therapy, and being in those sessions helped me realize that I had repressed feelings about him leaving us, leaving me. I told him that I was angry, confused, sad, hurt, and disappointed. He sat motionless on the couch, quiet. My mom interjected and said maybe you two should hug. I thought to myself, YESSS, a hug from him would be great right now. I didn’t want to hurt him by sharing my feelings; I just wanted to be free of the burdensome emotions I’d been dealing with in silence. I walked over to the couch, and he extended his arms, and I extended mine. I guess I expected him to stand to embrace me, but he didn’t. The hug was pretty short. I was waiting for this great feeling of release, but instead, what I felt was him patting me on the back. I didn’t get the embrace I so desperately yearned for. My heart was broken all over again; however, I would not let myself be vulnerable in front of him, so I immediately left and went to my bedroom and cried myself to sleep.

My dad had a divine “do over” when his grandchildren arrived! I had my daughter, but my sister had a daughter, too. From the beginning, I saw my dad interact with his granddaughters in ways that I had never experienced. Whenever my sister and I called about those girls, dad was paw-paw to the rescue! It was such a beautiful thing to see him build a relationship with his grandchildren and be there for his daughters. During this time, in full transparency, I wasn’t quite sure how to navigate deepening our relationship without the requirement of vulnerability on my part. I wasn’t sure if I was quite ready to open myself up completely to him, but I was grateful to have him in our lives. Over the next decade or so, I’d drawn closer to God and began to learn what being a follower of Jesus Christ meant. I had also begun to learn more about my dad, his life’s experiences, and his rationale. Although I didn’t necessarily agree with the way he saw and dealt with some things, I knew that forgiveness was something that “I” desperately needed. I began to make conscious decisions about letting go of past hurts and disappointments and focusing on how I could be more pleasing to God. It certainly helped that he was showing up for me and my daughter! That meant a lot to me. Before long, I felt comfortable telling him that I love him, even though that’s not something that he was conditioned to say growing up. I began to realize that perhaps he had reasons for not showing vulnerability as well, due to familial relationships. I had just resolved that I would say I love you, whether he said it back or not.

Something started to become very clear to me during my time of releasing pain, forgiving my dad, and growing closer to God. I began to feel safe being vulnerable with my Heavenly Father! It was like this “sure thing”. That there was nothing that I could do that would change His love for me! I felt so blessed and grateful. FINALLY, a place where I didn’t feel “exposed” and needed to hide my true self. Over time, I’d come to the awareness that I was put on earth for a purpose, and I wanted to fulfill that purpose. I knew that I still had a way to go to heal from the spirits of rejection and abandonment, but I knew that I was “chosen” for something special! It was a challenge to overcome the negative narrative I had created in my mind about myself. Later, battling depression and anxiety only complicated my negative thoughts and feelings of unworthiness, but God never let go of me. Admittedly, I ran away from Him and the church for a while; however, He kept me in the cradle of His arms that whole time! I’m so deeply grateful for my Father’s unfailing love, grace, and mercy! I AM CHOSEN!

To my sisters who are dealing with heaviness and darkness because of being rejected and/or abandoned, know that God has a plan for your life!

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

~ Jeremiah 29:11 ♥️